See how it is. I have been lax these last five days, not blogging and not focused on the goal, and have gained back some hard-lost pounds. sigh. In the same way that I get obsessed about food I must also be obsessed about NONfood, about stopping and not going.

But what is it, this impulse to eat? Some of it is indeed visual, which in turn reminds me of the taste and drives me to taste it again. Last night I made pasta with sautee'd shiitakes and onions, all in basil pesto. It was so yummy that when I saw the uneaten portion in the pan I just scarfed it all down. Meaning of course I had about 3 servings' worth of it, meaning extra carbs and olive oil (at least olive and not peanut, but I digress) way too late at night to be good.

Shit. Shiitake.

But some of it, maybe, is this continued irrational fear of failure. Maybe part of this blog is shock therapy - I'm out here now, failing in front of at least 2 of you, if I do fail. Of course those two are nearest and dearest, but perhaps others will stumble in here too...I don't want to fail. I don't want to be fat anymore. I do want to lose weight, feel better, look better, be healthier, be able to run and play with my kid. But if I stay put, the status quo is familiar and paradoxically comfortable, even as it is uncomfortable in its size.

I'm listening on CD to "The Mermaid Chair," and this character is breaking OUT of comfortable and familiar in ways I would not choose. But maybe the difference is in our personalities - I opt into remaining comfortable by default, she breaks out in dramatic fashion. Two sides of the same coin, maybe.