on visits, visions, and voodoo

Well, mostly that's a melodious title, but I did go visit my mom in my hometown last week, and there was SO MUCH EATING. If I saw it (hence the vision), I ate it. I'm quite fond of Mexican food and my hometown is full of Mexican food, and we ate some fanTAStic food, lemme tell ya. Also fantastic barbecue. Oh, and fantastic Frosted Flakes - um, maybe not in the same category, but it was yummy and I was obsessed. And it was out on the counter all the time. Or on the top of the fridge. So I ran into my old friend, see it/eat it, and my new friend, control/remember, apparently had been left on the airplane...

So. So why is it that impulsivity is so hard to control when I'm out of my house? Also, why did I eat so much in my old house? (That one's not hard to diagnose - old house, old rules...chomp chomp chomp) Here's part of the answer, and it is ironic - when I was younger, even after marriage, my mom never complimented me on my looks. Now, it turns out she was only following the old pattern set for her by her own mom and family...sometimes being able to explain and feel compassion for the source of one's issues does help...but that is just the truth, no positive feedback. Now, LOTS of positive feedback! I came downstairs wearing one of her shirts (very pretty, I must say) and jeans, and she said with great enthusiasm, that looks gooooood! Here I am, literally the fattest I've ever been, and NOW she decides to compliment me??? ; )

Of course, I appreciate it both emotionally and intellectually. She does, I think, finally see ME and not what she WANTS me to be, which is great. And I can look okay in the shape I'm in, sometimes at least, so that's good too. But the thing is this - not only does my inner child so crave those compliments that she's afraid to move away from the body that gets them (though my mom would also love a skinnier me), my crocodile brain responds to the old positive reinforcement and wants to maintain the behavior that elicits it. See?

But in fact, it is NOT good healthwise to be in this body. My cholesterol is fine, which is just genetic luck. But my blood pressure is still too high for one so young, and my feet still hurt too much for being just walking-around feet, and my energy levels could be higher...etc etc etc. It's also not good lookswise and esteem wise to be in this body. My friends are AWESOME and have never said a mumblin word about my looks. But I'm not dumb, and I am high in "interpersonal intelligence," and I know from the few questions or discussion points, etc. that they wish for me a healthier, better looking body.

My spouse is even more awesome - he has never said anything and he is willing to embrace, literally, my stomach and back and butt and all the fat parts. He has never made me feel badly...but I will LOVE the day (and notice the optimism there!) that I can use my body in new ways during lovemaking that right now are just too embarrassing (fat rolls NOT GOOD), that I can put on beautiful lingerie that right now feels silly (silk purse sow's ear), that I can wear beautiful clothes out and about and feel his eyes on me not just because I'm ME but because I'm SEXY. And I would write this even if I didn't know he'd found this blog...hi honey...it will be a gift for him for being the absolute best spouse ever in the history of the world.

So. So the scale, to get to the voodoo part, says 245 even after a few days of serious indulgence. I'm choosing to believe it. I'm exercising, but I want to bump up the frequency and intensity. I'm going to enroll our family in a karate class. I'm going to check out a local martial arts gym that has more than just karate for myself. I'm going to get on this wagon now and use the pool in the summer to continue working out while my kid plays - laps are good and I enjoy swimming, so that will help.

This road is hard, and I don't have a good reason why it's so hard for me, but it is. But I'm walkin it. I'm walkin it.