Hmm. I think I'm experiencing the effects of a bad day of eating after many good days. Much bloating and cramps, lethargy, and malaise. So tomorrow I'll jump back on good health and see if this improves any...GasX has helped so far, but what's interesting is that the pain really has kept me from going any farther. My bad behavior included too much milk through honey nut cheerios, a bag of popcorn (at least it was light), mexican eggs benedict (yummy, though), and a few other things. Nope, the ol' abdomen was not happy!
So. We will see if a return to oatmeal and veggies helps this phenomenon cease.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
fat day and its effects
Okay, so I'm having a fat day. You know fat days, some of you - tired for no good reason, all food looks good, clothes seem tight in some new places...sometimes fat days are brought on by premenstrual or just plain menstrual body effects, but not mine today. I'm just feeling bleh. My stomach is full of protein from supper so I'm not in fact hungry, but I do have that "all foods look good" issue so I'm squirreled away up here on the blog.
Besides, the consequences of giving in are, at this point, actually noxious enough to keep me here and not there. I really don't want to eat the cupcakes until they're gone - I really will not feel better and it won't help. I'm reading my dear friend's latest novel for her, a draft to be sent off, and the main character is an emotional eater to a T - turns out that I'm not so much emotional as bored or just visually stimulated to eat. If it's on the counter and is tasty, I want it. But I don't run off to eat to make myself feel better, at least not very often.
So my eating is more reaction to stimuli than to emotional desire. I wish the fat cells generated from that would be smaller than the other kind, but no, still in the same boat.
Besides, the consequences of giving in are, at this point, actually noxious enough to keep me here and not there. I really don't want to eat the cupcakes until they're gone - I really will not feel better and it won't help. I'm reading my dear friend's latest novel for her, a draft to be sent off, and the main character is an emotional eater to a T - turns out that I'm not so much emotional as bored or just visually stimulated to eat. If it's on the counter and is tasty, I want it. But I don't run off to eat to make myself feel better, at least not very often.
So my eating is more reaction to stimuli than to emotional desire. I wish the fat cells generated from that would be smaller than the other kind, but no, still in the same boat.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Hmm. Hard to know how the last two days have really gone, I've not been concentrating so much on my food intake. I can safely say I have NOT exercised, which is NOT good, and I will remedy that today.
This exercising thing has gotten much easier, even with just a week of consistency. Now I don't hear the little "quit" voice until at least 2 songs into the ellip, which is about 8 minutes. Not bad, considering. I wonder if I'll ever NOT hear that voice...maybe that's part of the journey - not that the voice goes away, but that my ability to ignore it functionally makes it mute.
I did realize that I'm really following a Weight Watchers' core plan without being on it officially - I've limited my sugar intake, increased my complex carbs while dropping bad carbs, and really increased veg and fruit intake. That's all good! I'm even beginning to crave oranges rather than just thinking of them as second-rate, second to a nice piece of chocolate. My salad intake has increased DRASTICALLY, though I guess from zero to anything is drastic... ; ) We'll see how this goes.
Things I look forward to - getting to size 20, then to size 18 (beyond which i can't even imagine right now); fitting into all those pants I've got lying around; beginning to hear folks ask if I'm losing weight; hearing Craig say it too. I do already have more energy, I've found.
goals for this week - taking my meds consistently. It's not that I avoid them - I have never been a good med taker, even on birth control when arguably one SHOULD be consistent! So I'll do that for sure.
onward and up, I mean, DOWNward!
This exercising thing has gotten much easier, even with just a week of consistency. Now I don't hear the little "quit" voice until at least 2 songs into the ellip, which is about 8 minutes. Not bad, considering. I wonder if I'll ever NOT hear that voice...maybe that's part of the journey - not that the voice goes away, but that my ability to ignore it functionally makes it mute.
I did realize that I'm really following a Weight Watchers' core plan without being on it officially - I've limited my sugar intake, increased my complex carbs while dropping bad carbs, and really increased veg and fruit intake. That's all good! I'm even beginning to crave oranges rather than just thinking of them as second-rate, second to a nice piece of chocolate. My salad intake has increased DRASTICALLY, though I guess from zero to anything is drastic... ; ) We'll see how this goes.
Things I look forward to - getting to size 20, then to size 18 (beyond which i can't even imagine right now); fitting into all those pants I've got lying around; beginning to hear folks ask if I'm losing weight; hearing Craig say it too. I do already have more energy, I've found.
goals for this week - taking my meds consistently. It's not that I avoid them - I have never been a good med taker, even on birth control when arguably one SHOULD be consistent! So I'll do that for sure.
onward and up, I mean, DOWNward!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Week two begins!
Well, it's been one week since ya looked at me...wait, that's a song. It's been not so much a song for me this week, but I have had success, I've lost 2 pounds. Last night was quite a night for me, a really fun DESSERT party hosted by one of my fave five, and her husband mixed some martinis that were, well, STRONG. So I had one or two too many, and not all that dessert stayed down...oy. Come on, I'm 41 for cry-yi! But it was really fun, and I'm fairly discrete with my drunk haze, and even discrete in porcelain worship, so no awful embarrassment. My pal does get to give me shit for it, but there you go.
So yep, 2 pounds lost. Not bad. Exercised 5 days (one with just arm weights but ellipted the other 4), and feel pretty good at this point. I'm curious about the week -
Do you know this link? http://myvirtualmodel.com - you can set up a picture of yourself at current weight and at goal weight! Wow, it's kinda crazy. I'm gonna see about putting my virtual picture here for y'all to see - I'm not quite ready to reveal the real me just yet.
So yep, 2 pounds lost. Not bad. Exercised 5 days (one with just arm weights but ellipted the other 4), and feel pretty good at this point. I'm curious about the week -
Do you know this link? http://myvirtualmodel.com - you can set up a picture of yourself at current weight and at goal weight! Wow, it's kinda crazy. I'm gonna see about putting my virtual picture here for y'all to see - I'm not quite ready to reveal the real me just yet.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
the exercise conundrum, and the idea of being full
Well, exercising sucks but does keep one on the up and up. I did my 30 minutes on the elliptical in my home today -
Does anyone else struggle with this? The feeling, only a few seconds into exercising, that one will die, that it's too hard, etc? Now that I've been doing this for a week I at least can tell myself that I've gotten through it before and can do it again - but those first few minutes are very mentally hard for me. Physically it's all right, relatively speaking. I have found a great set of music that I "ellip" to (since it's not exactly running, not exactly walking), and we have a squeak in our machine so I can actually time the movement to be on the beat, and that helps tremendously.
But the mental game, that's the tough part for me. About 10 minutes into it I start having conversations with myself - "Man, maybe 15 is enough..." "NO! Half-hour, you can do it, you did it two days ago" "But I'm tired" "Sure, but you can go half an hour with no problem, you'll feel great if you do" and the talk rages on while my feet just keep going. The music helps mask the "conversation" and encourages my feet to keep going.
Is it, perhaps, that skinny people don't have this in their heads? Like the same way I envision them actually saying, no, I really don't want the chocolate, I'm too full, statements that might as well be in Mandarin for all the sense they make to me.
Anne Lamott wrote an essay about learning to feed herself, struggling with the concept of actually BEING hungry and, conversely, actually being full. Weight Watchers' core program helps you learn to tell when you're full, too. Maybe that should be my new focus - really helping myself grasp the idea of being full and really trying to internalize the idea that you might NOT eat chocolate if you're full.
Does anyone else struggle with this? The feeling, only a few seconds into exercising, that one will die, that it's too hard, etc? Now that I've been doing this for a week I at least can tell myself that I've gotten through it before and can do it again - but those first few minutes are very mentally hard for me. Physically it's all right, relatively speaking. I have found a great set of music that I "ellip" to (since it's not exactly running, not exactly walking), and we have a squeak in our machine so I can actually time the movement to be on the beat, and that helps tremendously.
But the mental game, that's the tough part for me. About 10 minutes into it I start having conversations with myself - "Man, maybe 15 is enough..." "NO! Half-hour, you can do it, you did it two days ago" "But I'm tired" "Sure, but you can go half an hour with no problem, you'll feel great if you do" and the talk rages on while my feet just keep going. The music helps mask the "conversation" and encourages my feet to keep going.
Is it, perhaps, that skinny people don't have this in their heads? Like the same way I envision them actually saying, no, I really don't want the chocolate, I'm too full, statements that might as well be in Mandarin for all the sense they make to me.
Anne Lamott wrote an essay about learning to feed herself, struggling with the concept of actually BEING hungry and, conversely, actually being full. Weight Watchers' core program helps you learn to tell when you're full, too. Maybe that should be my new focus - really helping myself grasp the idea of being full and really trying to internalize the idea that you might NOT eat chocolate if you're full.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
monument
I'm thinking that when, WHEN, mind you, I grow down out of my size 22's I'm gonna nail them to the wall in the room where I work out at our house. Not all of them - just one, like a skin of some animal I've hunted down and killed. Hmm - interesting imagery - (I find I discover things about myself by writing and seeing what comes out of my fingers) - I am, I suppose, hunting down that 250 pound animal. "Kill" may seem extreme, given that it is ME I'm talking about - but as I'm sure you know, death is not restricted to physical death. The thing is, though, death is often if not always followed by some kind of grief - what will I grieve about that woman, that 250 pounder? and maybe whatever it is that I grieve, that will tell me why I stayed in that body for so dang long. Perhaps more on that will come when I've written it to myself privately.
Meanwhile - each size I grow down from then will be tacked on top of the prior, making a cascade down the wall of smaller and smaller jeans, to remind me of how it happens (slowly, one pants size at a time) AND how I got out of it (slowly, one pants size at a time!).
I'm pondering pictures today, taking them, that is. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh - 248 today. Not 250. ; )
Meanwhile - each size I grow down from then will be tacked on top of the prior, making a cascade down the wall of smaller and smaller jeans, to remind me of how it happens (slowly, one pants size at a time) AND how I got out of it (slowly, one pants size at a time!).
I'm pondering pictures today, taking them, that is. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh - 248 today. Not 250. ; )
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
inner vs. outer view
If you just looked at me, sitting as I was about 2 minutes ago, you wouldn't know. Eyes closed, head on hand, looking sleepy, sitting cross-legged in front of a warm heater, completely still. Warring factions raged, one side urging for no good reason a trip to the kitchen with mouth open and hands outstretched to grab and scarf...one side yelling about weakness, fat, health, beauty, sexiness...one side sitting quietly and rocking rocking rocking, unable to stop the war and unable to get past it, unable to understand the urge and barely hanging on to control the impulse to let that side win yet again.
Which is where this blog comes into play. Somehow putting this into the public but anonymous blogosphere is a fourth force - pulled me up from the crouch, snapped the head around of the kitchen brigade, stopped the little girl from rocking, and silenced the chorus of worry/concern/self-loathing/failure.
So that's why I'm here. It's becoming clearer to me - the tool that is different enough from the programs, new enough to motivate, familiar enough to be comfortable.
Which is where this blog comes into play. Somehow putting this into the public but anonymous blogosphere is a fourth force - pulled me up from the crouch, snapped the head around of the kitchen brigade, stopped the little girl from rocking, and silenced the chorus of worry/concern/self-loathing/failure.
So that's why I'm here. It's becoming clearer to me - the tool that is different enough from the programs, new enough to motivate, familiar enough to be comfortable.
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