good mouth feelings

Hmm, that sounds more provocative than it is - this MUFA thing, this flat belly diet thing, leaves my mouth happy. Just those very few fats seem to settle down the beasty that lives inside me, I don't know why, though I guess the obvious answer would be that I crave them and have finally started satisfying that craving.

I need to measure myself in all my fat areas and watch for signs of inches coming off. I'll report on that later!

flat belly?

Well, I'm officially a member of flatbellydiet, which is a website from Prevention magazine. I tried the basic plan this week and I must say it worked GREAT. Now my spouse and I will do it together - he said two nights ago he's as heavy as he's ever been, which isn't really all that heavy in the grand scheme of things, all of 185, but is not comfortable for him and he would like to slim down. So we're doing this thing together, with me cooking for us. Even my kid will get some benefits - with his football starting Monday he'll get plenty of exercise over these next 4 months, as will dh (dear husband, for you not familiar).

Meanwhile, I will also start adding on exercise when my boys start exercising - 5:30 - 7:30. One of the things I'm noticing on "Biggest Loser" is that they exercise really 5-6 hours a day - well, I ain' got that kinda time. But I DO have some spare hours here now, so I will use them. I'm pondering a triathalon, though I HATE running, but I enjoy biking and swimming, so maybe those two exercises for now with running to come in the fall. After I get used to this idea.

I walk fat.

You know that feeling? My steps thud more than I like. My boobs and thighs jiggle, and some of me keeps moving when I stop walking. Let's not even TALK about my three inner tubes around my belly...and now, the final thing:

My arms swing out. When I'm moving fast, my arms don't swing by my sides - they bend a little out, as to swing around my big hips so they're thudding onto the sides.

This is NOT good. NOT good. So now I'm trying something for a week, the MUFA diet (which I love to say because it's close enough to mofo to make me laugh) recommended by my pal MBW. Now, the key to this seems to be the monounsaturated fatty acids are the kind of things that fill you up, give you a rich feeling in your mouth, and keep you going for awhile between meals. The other thing, and this is more common in the diet world lately, is the multi-meal day. 400 calories 4 times a day.

So far, so good - it's been 2 hours...I feel sometimes like the story Anne Lamott tells on herself about getting sober. The one she relates in her "Traveling Mercies" book says that, after a 4 day "reformed" "on the wagon effort, she began to feel resentful that anyone would try to control her drinking, including herself. I have that experience myself - I get to a point where I resent society for not liking fat people, that I resent food sellers for making food too fatty...and resent myself for trying to change, that I don't love myself as I am, etc.

But that's just not true - I have to love myself enough to get to a healthy weight. I can't keep making excuses for all this stuff - which is why blogging on here is keeping myself accountable, to see the bullshit written out and to look at it and see it for what it is.

insight

My friend(s), it's been awhile, but I have just had an insight due to the eternally wonderful conversations with my friend MBW.

I am not not NOT good at drafts, at having to struggle to do stuff. I don't like to work, though I am trying hard to instill a work ethic in my son - I rather rely on my talent and lean heavily on it. So, for example, I do occasionally preach at my church, and for those I am also in charge of the bulletin (the order of worship, picking out group prayers and hymns and stuff). The bulletin I do get done early because of a deadline, so it's usually done on Monday or Tuesday at the latest.

But the sermon...well, here I abuse my talent and fall back on bad ways. Unless I have to work from a text not chosen by me, I tend to wait until the day before or the day of - I write notes, an outline, and then do extemporaneous style on it at church and fly by the notes. This calls on all my ability to relate to the congregation, to speak slowly but not too slowly, and to remember the direction I'm going...and at this point, it works.

BUT. But I know that this is untenable for the future - there will come a time when I need the SKILL of referencing, of note-taking, of rhetoric, and at this point I'm relying on inborn TALENT (such as it is) to get me through.

But you know what? I HAVE NO TALENT FOR WEIGHT LOSS. None. OBVIOUSLY. This is the issue! I'm trying to rely on some inner well of ability that just ain't there, and it's biting me in my big jiggly ass.

So what to do about that, now that I know? It's not enough to admit there's a problem - I gotta DO SOMETHING about it. I have the tools to do something - so I need to pull out my research skills, my reading and working skills, and get this show on the road.

This is the hard part - at the same time that I'm pulling them out, I'm having to develop them - wish me luck.

in the right place

So - I've been thinking and continuing to fight the internal fight of this weightloss thing, even if the eating thing is not going well. I went to Heather and got 3 dvd's to use, and I'm surprised to say I plan to use them! I'm comfortable with them, I am motivated by the better feeling in my body, and I have confidence that they work. So that's good.

Kirstie Ally and the battle goes on

Well, I heard today that Kirstie Ally, who had so publicly gone on Jenny Craig, has gained back 30 of the 80 pounds she'd lost. That must just suck so very much, to have been so thin and then gain back so much of it. And that, I think, is the reason I hesitate to be public about weightloss, with the obvious exception of this little blog that all two of you have found - to fail in everyone's face, and to wonder about what I'm seeing in a person's eyes in the light of that failure, is too much for me. At least at this point. I've already experienced it subtlely, since I have in fact gained a bunch of this weight in the last 3 years and had been, shit, 36 pounds lighter, and no one has said a thing, which is nice. But to lose and then gain back! SUUUUCK.

sitting in a cafe...

Now THIS, my friend(s), this is the life - a laptop, a cup of coffee, and thou. Okay, thou in this case is me and perhaps you other two people, but if it's a letter to myself it's being written in a wonderful locale...let's hear it for wi-fi!

I have hormonal sadness today, and of course feeling fat doesn't help it at all. I will be going to Heather's House of Pain today, and as I said last night I'm getting more and more stamina and ability to do all the video, so that's a good thing and will surely help my affect. But oy, this journey is loooooooong and bumpy. I am feeling the muscle building up under the fat, which is good. I know muscle burns more fat, so I know I'm doing long-term work to help maintain my body once it's in shape. But I fervently and irrationally wish I could poof myself into a skinny body, oh, AND that all my favorite food would magically become nonfattening and still taste as good as it does with all the fat. Dammit.

So another line of thinking - what is it that makes us, ALL of us, skinny and fat, not like our bodies? I have a good and dear friend who I witnessed walking to the door in a tank and loose fitting pj's, and she could NOT have looked cuter or thinner and in great shape (not emaciated, that is), and yet I know she wishes her butt were different and worries about her fat. WHAT THE HELL is that about? Not cussin on her - cussin on a society that would somehow convince this beautifully proportioned woman that she's got issues! If I looked like her, I'd be naked or minimally clothed at all times of the year, and that's the truth...but she still thinks of things as not quite good enough.

So, to anyone who comes here to read - let's try to remember, under all the anguish of our weight issues, that we are not alone - even our skinny pals have some hurt somewhere about their bodies, which is a sucking shame.