I walk fat.

You know that feeling? My steps thud more than I like. My boobs and thighs jiggle, and some of me keeps moving when I stop walking. Let's not even TALK about my three inner tubes around my belly...and now, the final thing:

My arms swing out. When I'm moving fast, my arms don't swing by my sides - they bend a little out, as to swing around my big hips so they're thudding onto the sides.

This is NOT good. NOT good. So now I'm trying something for a week, the MUFA diet (which I love to say because it's close enough to mofo to make me laugh) recommended by my pal MBW. Now, the key to this seems to be the monounsaturated fatty acids are the kind of things that fill you up, give you a rich feeling in your mouth, and keep you going for awhile between meals. The other thing, and this is more common in the diet world lately, is the multi-meal day. 400 calories 4 times a day.

So far, so good - it's been 2 hours...I feel sometimes like the story Anne Lamott tells on herself about getting sober. The one she relates in her "Traveling Mercies" book says that, after a 4 day "reformed" "on the wagon effort, she began to feel resentful that anyone would try to control her drinking, including herself. I have that experience myself - I get to a point where I resent society for not liking fat people, that I resent food sellers for making food too fatty...and resent myself for trying to change, that I don't love myself as I am, etc.

But that's just not true - I have to love myself enough to get to a healthy weight. I can't keep making excuses for all this stuff - which is why blogging on here is keeping myself accountable, to see the bullshit written out and to look at it and see it for what it is.