in the right place

So - I've been thinking and continuing to fight the internal fight of this weightloss thing, even if the eating thing is not going well. I went to Heather and got 3 dvd's to use, and I'm surprised to say I plan to use them! I'm comfortable with them, I am motivated by the better feeling in my body, and I have confidence that they work. So that's good.

Kirstie Ally and the battle goes on

Well, I heard today that Kirstie Ally, who had so publicly gone on Jenny Craig, has gained back 30 of the 80 pounds she'd lost. That must just suck so very much, to have been so thin and then gain back so much of it. And that, I think, is the reason I hesitate to be public about weightloss, with the obvious exception of this little blog that all two of you have found - to fail in everyone's face, and to wonder about what I'm seeing in a person's eyes in the light of that failure, is too much for me. At least at this point. I've already experienced it subtlely, since I have in fact gained a bunch of this weight in the last 3 years and had been, shit, 36 pounds lighter, and no one has said a thing, which is nice. But to lose and then gain back! SUUUUCK.

sitting in a cafe...

Now THIS, my friend(s), this is the life - a laptop, a cup of coffee, and thou. Okay, thou in this case is me and perhaps you other two people, but if it's a letter to myself it's being written in a wonderful locale...let's hear it for wi-fi!

I have hormonal sadness today, and of course feeling fat doesn't help it at all. I will be going to Heather's House of Pain today, and as I said last night I'm getting more and more stamina and ability to do all the video, so that's a good thing and will surely help my affect. But oy, this journey is loooooooong and bumpy. I am feeling the muscle building up under the fat, which is good. I know muscle burns more fat, so I know I'm doing long-term work to help maintain my body once it's in shape. But I fervently and irrationally wish I could poof myself into a skinny body, oh, AND that all my favorite food would magically become nonfattening and still taste as good as it does with all the fat. Dammit.

So another line of thinking - what is it that makes us, ALL of us, skinny and fat, not like our bodies? I have a good and dear friend who I witnessed walking to the door in a tank and loose fitting pj's, and she could NOT have looked cuter or thinner and in great shape (not emaciated, that is), and yet I know she wishes her butt were different and worries about her fat. WHAT THE HELL is that about? Not cussin on her - cussin on a society that would somehow convince this beautifully proportioned woman that she's got issues! If I looked like her, I'd be naked or minimally clothed at all times of the year, and that's the truth...but she still thinks of things as not quite good enough.

So, to anyone who comes here to read - let's try to remember, under all the anguish of our weight issues, that we are not alone - even our skinny pals have some hurt somewhere about their bodies, which is a sucking shame.

It wasn't supposed to be like this

And that pretty much says it. It's 2008, and though I fantasized a year ago that I'd be slim, or at least slimmER, by the time the dreaded bathing suit season reared its ugly head AGAIN, I'm not, and it's here. sigh.

I did manage to get myself into an exercise routine, thanks to Heather and her "House of Pain" as I lovingly call it, and I am feeling better that way. I've exercised either 4 or 5 days straight in the last 3 weeks, missing only days that I had a kid out of school and couldn't go. My friends are excited for me and impressed with my dedication, and I am too. I felt for the first time today that things ARE getting easier, I actually did the entire "I want THOSE buns" video today along with the abs. So that's not a small thing, and I celebrate that!

But of course - I have lost SO much weight, if you count losing and gaining the same pounds over and freakin' over. I have changed something, but as someone I was reading pointed out, it's easier to add new behaviors than it is to subtract old ones, so I've added excercise but haven't removed bad eating habits. Just thinking about it is hard - I know that's the next piece, I just have to do that, now that I'm in a good groove with exercise.

So okay, I'll work on that. But DAMMIT, why didn't I listen to folks 100 pounds ago who were trying to tell me with research or kind words or sage advice that this was gonna be so damn hard to do??

long away, long way to go

Well, sh*t. I chuckle as I write that, seems a little strong for something so not earth-shattering...but there it is. I have been too long away from writing here, and too long away from my goal of weightloss, though ironically doing MUCH more exercise in these last 2 weeks! My new friend Heather and her "house of pain" as I like to call it have really been helpful - 4 days in a row this last week, and 5 days in a row the week before. Things do feel firmer, less achy, more toned.

But I ruin that with overeating of junk and a lack of motivation to get my eating underway in the right direction. So this week I vow to eat well every weekday and to see how that helps. Having friends to work out with is great - I recommend!

on visits, visions, and voodoo

Well, mostly that's a melodious title, but I did go visit my mom in my hometown last week, and there was SO MUCH EATING. If I saw it (hence the vision), I ate it. I'm quite fond of Mexican food and my hometown is full of Mexican food, and we ate some fanTAStic food, lemme tell ya. Also fantastic barbecue. Oh, and fantastic Frosted Flakes - um, maybe not in the same category, but it was yummy and I was obsessed. And it was out on the counter all the time. Or on the top of the fridge. So I ran into my old friend, see it/eat it, and my new friend, control/remember, apparently had been left on the airplane...

So. So why is it that impulsivity is so hard to control when I'm out of my house? Also, why did I eat so much in my old house? (That one's not hard to diagnose - old house, old rules...chomp chomp chomp) Here's part of the answer, and it is ironic - when I was younger, even after marriage, my mom never complimented me on my looks. Now, it turns out she was only following the old pattern set for her by her own mom and family...sometimes being able to explain and feel compassion for the source of one's issues does help...but that is just the truth, no positive feedback. Now, LOTS of positive feedback! I came downstairs wearing one of her shirts (very pretty, I must say) and jeans, and she said with great enthusiasm, that looks gooooood! Here I am, literally the fattest I've ever been, and NOW she decides to compliment me??? ; )

Of course, I appreciate it both emotionally and intellectually. She does, I think, finally see ME and not what she WANTS me to be, which is great. And I can look okay in the shape I'm in, sometimes at least, so that's good too. But the thing is this - not only does my inner child so crave those compliments that she's afraid to move away from the body that gets them (though my mom would also love a skinnier me), my crocodile brain responds to the old positive reinforcement and wants to maintain the behavior that elicits it. See?

But in fact, it is NOT good healthwise to be in this body. My cholesterol is fine, which is just genetic luck. But my blood pressure is still too high for one so young, and my feet still hurt too much for being just walking-around feet, and my energy levels could be higher...etc etc etc. It's also not good lookswise and esteem wise to be in this body. My friends are AWESOME and have never said a mumblin word about my looks. But I'm not dumb, and I am high in "interpersonal intelligence," and I know from the few questions or discussion points, etc. that they wish for me a healthier, better looking body.

My spouse is even more awesome - he has never said anything and he is willing to embrace, literally, my stomach and back and butt and all the fat parts. He has never made me feel badly...but I will LOVE the day (and notice the optimism there!) that I can use my body in new ways during lovemaking that right now are just too embarrassing (fat rolls NOT GOOD), that I can put on beautiful lingerie that right now feels silly (silk purse sow's ear), that I can wear beautiful clothes out and about and feel his eyes on me not just because I'm ME but because I'm SEXY. And I would write this even if I didn't know he'd found this blog...hi honey...it will be a gift for him for being the absolute best spouse ever in the history of the world.

So. So the scale, to get to the voodoo part, says 245 even after a few days of serious indulgence. I'm choosing to believe it. I'm exercising, but I want to bump up the frequency and intensity. I'm going to enroll our family in a karate class. I'm going to check out a local martial arts gym that has more than just karate for myself. I'm going to get on this wagon now and use the pool in the summer to continue working out while my kid plays - laps are good and I enjoy swimming, so that will help.

This road is hard, and I don't have a good reason why it's so hard for me, but it is. But I'm walkin it. I'm walkin it.

To misquote James Brown:

I don't feel good, and I DIDN'T know that I would(n't)! Okay, it's mangled, but the point is this - I have had a junkfood weekend, and I am surprised to find out that eating junk makes me feel like junk. Now, why wouldn't I know that at the ripe ol' age of 41? Well, I can't remember a time of being mindful enough of my body to feel and observe these effects, nor do I remember a time of eating so healthfully followed by such bad choices based on impulse.

So it's another Monday, another chance to turn back to the right eating path, and now I know WHY I'm doing it aside from the intellectual reasons. I just feel yucky when I eat yucky, and I actually don't enjoy it! This is new - the taste experience is really not worth the cost of feeling crappy on the other side. I need to remember that feeling - I know I will forget, because I'm a food addict, but I want to remember this discovery.