yipe...public and family

So here's the thing. It's been 5 months, and the only thing I've lost is 5 months. sigh. and now my darling cousin has her own blog, and I"m going to subscribe to it, and I'm gonna get outed as a fat person to my family.

Yep. They've not noticed until now. raised eyebrow...

I think the thing I fret about or reflect on, depending on my mood, is that folks (read: family at this point) will know that I'm not okay with my looks, and I've been trying to make that my modus operandi - sure, I'm fat, but I don't care. Turns out I DO care, and here's the math: If I care, then I should do something about it. But I don't do something about it, or I ignore it, and so then I look stupid. And I HATE looking stupid!

So what to do, what to do?? The answer, I think, lies in the heart of the issue, which writing this has made me realize: a) I DO care what I look like, despite YEARS of trying not to, and b) it's gonna be hard work to get this body into healthy shape. Not thin, but healthy. And that's just the truth.

So, you readers out there, now you know. I do want to lose weight. I DO have trouble changing my habits. I AM not happy with how I look. But I DON'T want to feel stupid about this battle and the fact that I can't seem to win it. I hope this winter/spring will help - I'm exercising again, and all three of my family are eating better - so you can come with me on this journey, or you can encourage me on it. Those are your two choices! WOO!

Oh for CRY YI

One freakin dress size. Dress I use loosely - more like tent size. But just one. Just from 22 to 20, this canNOT be that hard, dammit! I've found another distraction, which is drumming - sadly one cannot drum at night, when the eating boogie men come, but at least during the day I can.

Of COURSE the boogie man made me eat the kettle corn and the nutella crepes today. Not my own self.

Where is the accountability? Where is the connection between me and my eating? Where does that come from? Who else has this issue? Am I addicted to food?

good mouth feelings

Hmm, that sounds more provocative than it is - this MUFA thing, this flat belly diet thing, leaves my mouth happy. Just those very few fats seem to settle down the beasty that lives inside me, I don't know why, though I guess the obvious answer would be that I crave them and have finally started satisfying that craving.

I need to measure myself in all my fat areas and watch for signs of inches coming off. I'll report on that later!

flat belly?

Well, I'm officially a member of flatbellydiet, which is a website from Prevention magazine. I tried the basic plan this week and I must say it worked GREAT. Now my spouse and I will do it together - he said two nights ago he's as heavy as he's ever been, which isn't really all that heavy in the grand scheme of things, all of 185, but is not comfortable for him and he would like to slim down. So we're doing this thing together, with me cooking for us. Even my kid will get some benefits - with his football starting Monday he'll get plenty of exercise over these next 4 months, as will dh (dear husband, for you not familiar).

Meanwhile, I will also start adding on exercise when my boys start exercising - 5:30 - 7:30. One of the things I'm noticing on "Biggest Loser" is that they exercise really 5-6 hours a day - well, I ain' got that kinda time. But I DO have some spare hours here now, so I will use them. I'm pondering a triathalon, though I HATE running, but I enjoy biking and swimming, so maybe those two exercises for now with running to come in the fall. After I get used to this idea.

I walk fat.

You know that feeling? My steps thud more than I like. My boobs and thighs jiggle, and some of me keeps moving when I stop walking. Let's not even TALK about my three inner tubes around my belly...and now, the final thing:

My arms swing out. When I'm moving fast, my arms don't swing by my sides - they bend a little out, as to swing around my big hips so they're thudding onto the sides.

This is NOT good. NOT good. So now I'm trying something for a week, the MUFA diet (which I love to say because it's close enough to mofo to make me laugh) recommended by my pal MBW. Now, the key to this seems to be the monounsaturated fatty acids are the kind of things that fill you up, give you a rich feeling in your mouth, and keep you going for awhile between meals. The other thing, and this is more common in the diet world lately, is the multi-meal day. 400 calories 4 times a day.

So far, so good - it's been 2 hours...I feel sometimes like the story Anne Lamott tells on herself about getting sober. The one she relates in her "Traveling Mercies" book says that, after a 4 day "reformed" "on the wagon effort, she began to feel resentful that anyone would try to control her drinking, including herself. I have that experience myself - I get to a point where I resent society for not liking fat people, that I resent food sellers for making food too fatty...and resent myself for trying to change, that I don't love myself as I am, etc.

But that's just not true - I have to love myself enough to get to a healthy weight. I can't keep making excuses for all this stuff - which is why blogging on here is keeping myself accountable, to see the bullshit written out and to look at it and see it for what it is.

insight

My friend(s), it's been awhile, but I have just had an insight due to the eternally wonderful conversations with my friend MBW.

I am not not NOT good at drafts, at having to struggle to do stuff. I don't like to work, though I am trying hard to instill a work ethic in my son - I rather rely on my talent and lean heavily on it. So, for example, I do occasionally preach at my church, and for those I am also in charge of the bulletin (the order of worship, picking out group prayers and hymns and stuff). The bulletin I do get done early because of a deadline, so it's usually done on Monday or Tuesday at the latest.

But the sermon...well, here I abuse my talent and fall back on bad ways. Unless I have to work from a text not chosen by me, I tend to wait until the day before or the day of - I write notes, an outline, and then do extemporaneous style on it at church and fly by the notes. This calls on all my ability to relate to the congregation, to speak slowly but not too slowly, and to remember the direction I'm going...and at this point, it works.

BUT. But I know that this is untenable for the future - there will come a time when I need the SKILL of referencing, of note-taking, of rhetoric, and at this point I'm relying on inborn TALENT (such as it is) to get me through.

But you know what? I HAVE NO TALENT FOR WEIGHT LOSS. None. OBVIOUSLY. This is the issue! I'm trying to rely on some inner well of ability that just ain't there, and it's biting me in my big jiggly ass.

So what to do about that, now that I know? It's not enough to admit there's a problem - I gotta DO SOMETHING about it. I have the tools to do something - so I need to pull out my research skills, my reading and working skills, and get this show on the road.

This is the hard part - at the same time that I'm pulling them out, I'm having to develop them - wish me luck.

in the right place

So - I've been thinking and continuing to fight the internal fight of this weightloss thing, even if the eating thing is not going well. I went to Heather and got 3 dvd's to use, and I'm surprised to say I plan to use them! I'm comfortable with them, I am motivated by the better feeling in my body, and I have confidence that they work. So that's good.