sitting in a cafe...

Now THIS, my friend(s), this is the life - a laptop, a cup of coffee, and thou. Okay, thou in this case is me and perhaps you other two people, but if it's a letter to myself it's being written in a wonderful locale...let's hear it for wi-fi!

I have hormonal sadness today, and of course feeling fat doesn't help it at all. I will be going to Heather's House of Pain today, and as I said last night I'm getting more and more stamina and ability to do all the video, so that's a good thing and will surely help my affect. But oy, this journey is loooooooong and bumpy. I am feeling the muscle building up under the fat, which is good. I know muscle burns more fat, so I know I'm doing long-term work to help maintain my body once it's in shape. But I fervently and irrationally wish I could poof myself into a skinny body, oh, AND that all my favorite food would magically become nonfattening and still taste as good as it does with all the fat. Dammit.

So another line of thinking - what is it that makes us, ALL of us, skinny and fat, not like our bodies? I have a good and dear friend who I witnessed walking to the door in a tank and loose fitting pj's, and she could NOT have looked cuter or thinner and in great shape (not emaciated, that is), and yet I know she wishes her butt were different and worries about her fat. WHAT THE HELL is that about? Not cussin on her - cussin on a society that would somehow convince this beautifully proportioned woman that she's got issues! If I looked like her, I'd be naked or minimally clothed at all times of the year, and that's the truth...but she still thinks of things as not quite good enough.

So, to anyone who comes here to read - let's try to remember, under all the anguish of our weight issues, that we are not alone - even our skinny pals have some hurt somewhere about their bodies, which is a sucking shame.

It wasn't supposed to be like this

And that pretty much says it. It's 2008, and though I fantasized a year ago that I'd be slim, or at least slimmER, by the time the dreaded bathing suit season reared its ugly head AGAIN, I'm not, and it's here. sigh.

I did manage to get myself into an exercise routine, thanks to Heather and her "House of Pain" as I lovingly call it, and I am feeling better that way. I've exercised either 4 or 5 days straight in the last 3 weeks, missing only days that I had a kid out of school and couldn't go. My friends are excited for me and impressed with my dedication, and I am too. I felt for the first time today that things ARE getting easier, I actually did the entire "I want THOSE buns" video today along with the abs. So that's not a small thing, and I celebrate that!

But of course - I have lost SO much weight, if you count losing and gaining the same pounds over and freakin' over. I have changed something, but as someone I was reading pointed out, it's easier to add new behaviors than it is to subtract old ones, so I've added excercise but haven't removed bad eating habits. Just thinking about it is hard - I know that's the next piece, I just have to do that, now that I'm in a good groove with exercise.

So okay, I'll work on that. But DAMMIT, why didn't I listen to folks 100 pounds ago who were trying to tell me with research or kind words or sage advice that this was gonna be so damn hard to do??

long away, long way to go

Well, sh*t. I chuckle as I write that, seems a little strong for something so not earth-shattering...but there it is. I have been too long away from writing here, and too long away from my goal of weightloss, though ironically doing MUCH more exercise in these last 2 weeks! My new friend Heather and her "house of pain" as I like to call it have really been helpful - 4 days in a row this last week, and 5 days in a row the week before. Things do feel firmer, less achy, more toned.

But I ruin that with overeating of junk and a lack of motivation to get my eating underway in the right direction. So this week I vow to eat well every weekday and to see how that helps. Having friends to work out with is great - I recommend!